Why thinking about death helps us live more fully

Maybe you know the situation: you have suddenly some time on your hands, there is a calm moment at work, a long weekend.. and you have this beautiful feeling that everything is possible! Finally, you can do all those things that you couldn't do before. But somehow, time slips through your fingers and suddenly you realize that it’s the end of the day and you haven’t done anything. You end up with a funny tummy feeling about the wasted time.

Well, life can be just like that. As long as we imagine that life is endless, we tend to postpone things till an undefined “later”. We rarely even give a thought to what is important to us and what isn’t, what our dreams and our true priorities are. Instead, we spend our time on the everyday treadmill of to-do tasks, occasionally interrupted by an outing, a shopping trip, a holiday. Fast pleasures give an immediate rush, but the good feeling passes very quickly. And there we are again: back in the autopilot mode.

The key word here is a “deadline”.

If you want things to get done, set yourself a deadline.

If you want to live your life fully, think about your death.

Uuuurgh, how depressing, you may think. But believe me, it is not. On the contrary, thinking about death can actually make you feel more present, truly alive and vibrant. And what can be farther away from depression? The idea that we should contemplate our death is nothing new. Philosophers and spiritual leaders, from ancient Greek and Buddhist thinkers to existential philosophers agree that the awareness of one’s own mortality makes life more precious. As the existential psychotherapist Irvin Yalom puts it: Though the physicality of death destroys us, the idea of death may save us.

Yalom in his 2008 book “Staring at the Sun” shares many interesting ideas that may help us overcome the fear of death and live more fully. Give yourself a few moments to consider these:

· Everything fades: alternatives exclude. For every yes there must be a no, and every positive choice means you have to relinquish others.

· Living the identical life over and over again, for all eternity, in every detail. This can make you realize that this life, your only life, should be lived well and fully.

· Become who you are. Fulfil yourself, realize your potential, live boldly and fully. Then, and only then, die without regret (Nietzsche).

· Some refuse the loan of life to avoid the debt of death (Otto Rank).

How was this thought experiment for you? Has anything changed?

In 2011, the Australian palliative carer Bronnie Ware published a bestseller called “The Top Five Regrets of the Dying”. In this book she sums up the wisdom she collected from her terminally ill and dying patients. Deeply touched by their stories, she noticed that people on their deathbed tend to regret similar things about their lives. She summed these up as follows:

1. I wish I’d had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me.

2. I wish I didn’t work so hard.

3. I wish I’d had the courage to express my feelings.

4. I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends.

5. I wish I had let myself be happier.

Try to find your own top five regrets if you went on living as you do today. If you feel like it, you can do this exercise:

Imagine you’re lying on your deathbed. Visualise as many details as possible: the room, the light, the temperature, the sounds around you. Are you at home, in a hospital or elsewhere? Is there someone with you? You know with certainty that these are the final hours of your life. You’re reflecting on how you have lived it. What has it been like? Have you spent your life well, or are there any things you would have liked to change? What are your top five regrets? Reflect on each of them and take notes.

The French-Vietnamese Zen master and poet Thich Nhat Hahn shares ancient Buddhist wisdom in an understandable format. In his book “The Art of Living” he explains why contemplating impermanence can liberate us. The idea that everything changes and nothing is permanent is a well-known teaching in Buddhism. However, Thich Nhat Hahn urges that knowing this is not enough. We need to get the insight of impermanence by practicing it in our everyday lives, trying as often as possible to be aware of it. To help us get the insight of impermanence, he suggests we contemplate daily the five remembrances:

1. I am of the nature to grow old.

There is no way to escape growing old.

2. I am of the nature to have ill health.

There is no way to escape ill health.

3. I am of the nature to die.

There is no way to escape death.

4. All that is dear to me and everyone I love

are of the nature to change.

5. There is no way to escape

being separated from them.

My actions are my only true belongings.

I cannot escape the consequences of my actions.

My actions are the ground upon which I stand.

Most people don’t like to think about death. This is only understandable: fear of death is part of our evolutionary setup. Our society is trying hard to push death out of sight, away from the family and everyday life, with most people dying in hospitals and hospices. However, with death we have also lost sight of an important perspective on life: about what really matters, our place in the world and the things we would like to accomplish. In order to live well, we must find the courage to look into the sun and face the reality: we are going to die. Whether we follow the existentialists, wisdom of the dying people or the Buddhist path, they all seem to urge us to embrace the reality of death so that we can realize what is really important, live fully and then die without regrets.